If there is a great challenge for human beings in this world, it is undoubtedly forgiveness. To forgive and also to forgive oneself is a fundamental task in order to enjoy a little balance in this world of trials and atonements.

Self-pardon

In fact, I have seen many people who do not forgive themselves and suffer from it. They self-mutilate and generate various complications, including organic ones. It is necessary to understand that we are spirits in an evolutionary process. We err and we will err some more. It is interesting to reflect after the stumbles so that we do not "stub our toe" on the same stones. But, if we stumble on the same stones, we need to pick ourselves up and turn around.

Regretting will do nothing to solve the situation, even though the act done or the word spoken cannot be changed, yet it can be noticed. Therefore, forgive yourself, for, as Lazarus teaches in the message "Duty", published in The Gospel According to the Spiritism, the first duty we have in our life is to ourselves. So, if I have to forgive the other to set me free, I must, of course, forgive myself.

Too much forgiveness is not good

Those who think that forgiveness is a favour to the other are deluded. It is nothing of the sort. It is only an intelligent attitude, which aims to preserve mental health, because no one can lead a reasonably light life carrying rubbish in his heart. One look around the world and you will see great sorrow, sadness and relationship difficulties because the exercise of forgiveness has not been practised. At work, a colleague stops talking to another because he did not forgive his bad mood on a summer day. In the family, siblings stop talking to each other because one of them ate the other's dessert. In the spiritist group, an individual is asked to leave because the group does not forgive his constant analysis. 

The cases go on ad infinitum. However, one senses that, at least in what was narrated at the beginning of this text, there is nothing very serious that justifies a shake-up in relationships. A friend, who recently separated from his wife, let off some steam:

– You know, Balbo, I was tired of forgiving, I forgave too much and there came a time when I couldn't take it any more, so the sifting was inevitable.

I remarked to him that the problem was that I had forgiven too much. He was surprised. But that's just it. Relationships wear out because people forgive too much. They live to forgive each other's slips. They live to demand that the other apologise for quarrels. They don't understand that the other, whether spouse, friend, co-worker, is an evolving Spirit and, one time or another, will fail, succumb, err with us, come late in the engagement, talk a little tougher, not give us the attention we judge we deserve.

Imagine spending your whole life forgiving someone! It is very complicated, the relationship becomes stressful, heavy, dense and produces unhappy, bitter people. The ideal is to lead a lighter, calmer life and leave forgiveness for occasions when it really becomes necessary.

When should forgiveness be practised?

El perdón debe ser dejado para los grandes errores, las enormes pisadas en el balón. A los errores más pequeños, a los equívocos del día a día, dejemos a ellos la comprensión, pues ella basta para hacer que entendamos el nivel evolutivo en que nuestro par se encuentra. Y por hablar de perdón, me acordé de un caso que narró en el libro Perlas devueltas, publicado por la editora CEAC el año de 2015. Pregunté a una madre, cuyo hijo había sido asesinado, se había perdonado el asesino, y ella respondió, inolvidable:

– If it is already difficult to bear the absence of my son without hatred in my heart, with hatred it would be impossible. I had no choice, forgiveness in this case was a necessity in order to be able to carry on with life.

This is clearly the occasion on which forgiveness should be used.

How to forgive?

Well, I don't think I said anything new here. Everyone knows what to do: forgive. Therefore, the big question is not what to do, but how to do it. In other words: How to forgive?

In the spiritist literature, more precisely in a work by André Luiz, psychographed by Chico Xavier, there is a kind of step-by-step on how to practice forgiveness, even though, as we know, it is not a simple task. In 2012 I was invited to give a seminar in the city of Penápolis, together with some colleagues, on the book The Messengers. And, while studying the book, I came into contact with the story of Ismália, Alfredo and Paulo. In the chapter entitled "The Slanderer" there are the steps to learn how to grant forgiveness, which, it should be noted, is not an overnight task, but a constant and firm work of deep interest for one's own happiness. I will summarise the story and leave to the reader the suggestion to investigate the work.

Paulo had done great harm to the couple Ismália and Alfredo and, tormented by the ghosts he had created for himself, was in a delicate situation in the spiritual world. Alfredo, even as the injured party, helped the former disaffected in the life beyond the grave. In the meantime, Alfred took a few steps to conquer forgiveness. Exactly, because forgiveness is a conquest of the mind and heart attuned to the ideal of Christ. As we said above, forgiveness is not a favour to the other, but a liberation for oneself.

Alfredo, in order to conquer forgiveness, first of all understood his needs. As we have narrated, forgiveness is not a matter of choice, but a necessity. After that, he worked to acquire some merit and, then, he interceded for his former executioner. According to André Luiz, Alfredo desired, sought and nurtured forgiveness. In other words, it was not easy, for Alfredo needed to overcome himself, to seek and, above all, to nurture the desire to let go of petty feelings.

Alfredo approached Paulo as someone who wants reconciliation, continued to help out of a feeling of charity, and later, by nurturing the desire for forgiveness, he acquired understanding and compared situations. He went a little further and felt pity, then he began to have sympathy and, finally, he acquired brotherly love for the former disaffection.

It can be said, from Alfredo's story, that forgiveness goes through stages.

First, the individual's need for reconciliation, for life without harmony is too heavy a burden. No one can lead a tranquil existence from the consciential point of view, whether here or hereafter, with a heart full of bitterness. Allan Kardec reports that nature gave man the need to love and to be loved. To love comes first, to be loved second. To forgive comes first, to be forgiven second, and after that comes the feeling of charity. Allan Kardec taught that "Outside of charity there is no salvation", that is to say, outside of this highest principle, so well known to the spiritists, there is no such thing as laying one's head quietly on the pillow. The third step used by Alfred was the will. He had the will and nurtured the ideal of forgiveness. He mobilised internal and external forces for it.

There is no such thing as forgiveness without will, for lack of will, for obvious reasons, produces nothing. With will Alfredo gained understanding.

With the acquisition of understanding came the feeling of pity. Alfred understood that the individual, in practising evil, in hurting the divine law of justice, love and charity, is in reality doing more harm to himself than to others. For no one escapes the law of cause and effect. One can run away from the human law, cheat the police, lie for the conjecture, but no one, absolutely no one, escapes the landscape he designed for himself. Therefore, whoever practices evil is worthy of pity.

Sympathy immediately took possession of Alfredo's heart. And then, to seal the process of forgiveness with a golden key, Alfredo conquered brotherly love for Paulo.

Forgiveness requires fighting the old man

It is worth highlighting here Alfredo's effort and determination to free himself from the bitterness that could have excited many years of his life. It can be seen, then, that no one will be able to forgive if he does not overcome himself, if he does not fight bravely against the old man. With the consciousness of the immortality of the soul, a wider life is seen. Since death is not the end of the individual, and there is therefore a continuation, there is always a way of getting to the edges and noticing a wrongdoing, and forgiveness is the only opportunity to free oneself and to go on in a more serene way in life.

The remarkable Hindu leader Mahatma Gandhi said he did not forgive his detractors because he did not feel offended. When will we reach this stage of, despite the evil done to us, parking above it and understanding that the greatest harm to ourselves will be to accumulate rubbish in our hearts?

As Alfredo rightly showed, with work, forgiveness is possible. But, frankly, forgiveness is best left for the big things.

The lighter the better for living...

The less we forgive, the less we take offence, the calmer our existence will be and, who knows, one day we may be able to speak loud and clear the words of the most evolved Spirit who was among us:

– Father, forgive them for they know not what they do!

There we will be free, our hearts in celebration, our consciences clear, and certain that the only evil that harms us is the evil we do.